THE MOST AGGRESSIVELY HONEST VACATION RENTAL AD YOU’LL EVER READ
(If you're soft, keep scrolling. This ain't for you.)
Let’s get this out of the way real quick so we can separate the adults from the “technically-legal-but-emotionally-5-years-old” crowd:
If you’re not at least 24 years old and traveling with your family, don’t even breathe in the direction of my inbox.
This isn’t up for debate. It’s not “flexible.” I don’t care if you’re mature for your age or once owned a goldfish.
You. Ain’t. Booking. It.
End of story.
FOR THOSE WHO CAN PROCESS BASIC INFORMATION: HERE'S HOW YOU RENT IT
You’ve got 3 options. That’s it. No, I don’t do custom times. No, I won’t “see if I can make an exception.” Pay attention:
FULL WEEK:
Friday 5 PM → Friday 10 AM
OR Monday 2 PM → Monday 10 AM
WEEKEND GETAWAY:
Friday 5 PM → Monday 10 AM
(Yeah, that’s 3 nights — not rocket science)
MIDWEEK STAY:
Monday 2 PM → Friday 10 AM
(The grown-up option for people who hate crowds and screaming toddlers)
If those dates don’t work for you, you don’t work for me. Move along.
WHAT YOU’RE RENTING: A DAMN FORTRESS OF COMFORT
You want space? You got it. You want amenities? We’re practically showing off.
2 Full Bathrooms – no fighting for the shower
Central AC – because this isn’t a third-world sweat lodge
Wi-Fi – fast enough to stream, scroll, and ignore your family
2 SMART TVs – with more features than you know how to use
2 Washer/Dryers – so you’re not walking around smelling like a bonfire and regret
The Kitchen:
Massive Fridge
Dishwasher
Microwave
Toaster
Blender
Coffee Maker
Other stuff you probably won’t know how to use but will brag about anyway
7 BEDROOMS – NOT A TYPO. SEVEN.
4 Downstairs, 3 Upstairs
All with 12” memory foam mattresses – you’ll sleep like a sedated bear
Most have 1 Full + 1 Twin
One room’s got 3 Twins
Two rooms come with 2 Fulls each – perfect for cramming in cousins, kids, or in-laws you don’t like
Bonus Round:
Upstairs Den + Bar Area
Extra fridge
Sink
Adult sanctuary for when the downstairs turns into a zoo
WANT TO SAVE MONEY? BOOK OFF-SEASON.
If you’re not looking to rent during peak “screaming kids, crowded beaches, and everyone’s mad” season — you’ll get a solid discount.
But don’t lowball me like this is a Facebook yard sale. This house ain’t cheap, and neither is peace and quiet.
FINAL NOTE FOR THE HARD OF THINKING:
If you skimmed this and still ask dumb questions like:
“Can I check in Tuesday?”
“Is 19 okay if I’m really responsible?”
“How far to the beach?”
You will be ignored, blocked, and possibly mocked in a group chat.
SUMMARY FOR THE ATTENTION-DEFICIENT:
Don’t message me unless you’re over 24 or with family
Stick to the schedule listed
Read the whole damn ad
Act like an adult
Respect the space
Book it if you’re serious
If all that sounds good?
You’re about to have the best damn stay of your life.
If not?
There’s a Motel 6 with your name on it.